Running Facet

Unlike many mothers I have not left the facet running, actually it rarely gets turned on until recently.... I have been crying a lot more than usual these past few weeks for a few reasons that suddenly rush forward. I know I have been blessed with a healthly delightful perfect child and I am truly grateful however there are a few things that I am struggling with daily... the first is not having enough time.

I am not the holder of time and yes I know it may be silly to worry about something that I have no control over despite this knowledge I just wish things could slow down even if it's just a little. I knew from the onset that I needed to enjoy every moment with Jack and that I'd never fully "get back"... get back in time or get back the memories as vividly as if I were reliving the moment for the first time.

With the birth of Jack I have come to appreciate photography more and have tried to capture still moments to help me remember "my wittle guy" in the years to come; I've taken video clips as well to help remind myself and Anthony (and to show Jack) of how far we've come and how much he has grown. I have embraced the gift of motherhood and will continue to do so but I'm just a little (okay a lot) saddened that nothing will fully capture the depth of feeling quite like living the moment in it's true authentic form.

Looking to the future with hope and excitement, I am confident that Jack will become a great man much like his father. I am ready to watch Jack grow and learn and become the best man he can andI will love, nuture, lead by example and leave a little wiggle room for him to explore this world, and himself. I do not dread the future, I look forward to it.

By all means I may be called greedy as I want the past, the present and the future all at once; heck I may even be called human! The gift I have been granted right here, right now in this very moment... my "present" is so fragile as it will be gone as quikcly as it came - how do I capture it to feel it as fully the next time as I have this time? Lying in bed with the facet running I ponder this over and over in my head, how will I remember this wonder, love and amazement as full and deeply in 20 years? (I've always pondered this same thing with my marriage and love for Anthony -- my answer... it will be much FULLER). I am realistic enough to know that memories will fade and that nothing can be recreated in our minds exactly as they were the first time despite our best efforts so all I can do is embrace these moments.

Writing is not just another attempt (in addition to photos and videos) to help myself remember these feelings as private and intimate as they are although it will help a great deal, the main purpose is to help me "heal" or come to terms with the closing of one great, amazing chapter and welcome a new one. So how do woment do it? We are resilient, strong, loving beings and even when we feel weak our strength (and sisterhood) carries us through, this is what I am depending on now.

I am grieving breastfeeding. I am saddened that nothing will fully capture the depth of feeling quite like living the moment in it's true authentic form when I nurse Jack. For those of you who know me well know that the thought of breastfeeding "grossed me out" when I was pregnant and I NEVER thought that I would get so emotional over the weaning process but I am, and true to myself I will grieve it fully so that when I have our next child I can fully apprecaite that child and our nursing experiences. I do not need to mention the strong foundation, or long term health benefits of nursing but I must mention the bonding experience as this is what I am grieving.

For those mothers who have nursed a child, or attempted to nurse a child knows that it is not an easy skill to learn, in fact it is difficult and can be quite painful. In the first few weeks of nursing I had engorged breasts and would leak milk from over supply, many of the other mothers I would speak with about my nursing problem wished they had this "blessing" but the grass isn't always greener on the other side. My over supply of milk would leave Jack grasping for breath, choking, full of upper wind and hiccups (not to mention the face full of milk that would be sprayed on him when he pulled off). It is heart breaking when you cannot control the coughing fits meanwhile praying that he takes a full breath instead of struggling to breathe or turning blue. While we were figuring out how to deal with the oversupply we got thrush so we both started treatment - we were both medicated for 2 weeks that came and went with no improvement so we used stronger meds for a few more weeks before being told it was gone. To this day I am not entirely convinced that the thrush is commpletely gone despite what our FMD says.

My initial breastfeeding goal was 3 months. 3 months seemed like forever when we first set out the gate but when 3 months came it was a huge victory, so I got brave and pushed the goal... I wasn't going to give up after all the hard work, effort and sleepless nights! The new goal was pushed to 4 months, that came and went then 5 months and now 6... I think we'll barely make it to 6 as my supply has decreased a lot in the past 3 weeks as Jack has been sleeping 10-12 hours a night(exciting), the introduction of solid foods (yay Jack!) but now comes the weaning process (so sad). The trails of breastfeeding are far outweighed by the bond we've established, now that is a great foundation to Jack's health/growth but also to his long term emotional security.

On several previous occasions Anthony and I have tried to get Jack to take a bottle for the rare occasion that I would be away from Jack... needless to say Jack rejected the bottle like nobody's business - he just wasn't having it, he certainly has shown us his persistence - this boy knows his mama and wants his milk! He is growing up, ready to wean, no longer reliant on me for all his needs - he's taken to the bottle effortlessly for the past 3 nights and while I am so proud of him I am such a mess emtionally. I am thankful that I got to start our mother/son bond with breastfeeding and that I will get to work through these feeling over the course of a few weeks and not loose breastfeeding cold turkey.

When Jack is nursing everything is right in the world. There is much to be said about the comforting aspect of nursing for both child and mother. I have prayed many times while nursing, I have sung many nursery rhymes/songs, and I have told Jack how much I love him as I look into his clear blue eyes. Without a doubt every time I nurse I have felt the smoothness of his tiny hands/feet, the warmth of his face, or the silkiness of his hair. I thank God for entrusting Anthony and I with such a gift... what a blessing Jack is! I love when Jack thanks me with his big gummy toothless smiles or the sound of his beautiful voice, not to mention the deep eye contact when he stares up at me, or his little hands touching my face as I have touched his.... when nursing is finished I cuddle him in and nuzzle my face in his neck to smell the sweetness of his being, oh sweet child of mine how I love thee!!!